mamaUK

How to stop your children from fighting

One on one time, or 'special' time is great for connecting with your child but after spending time alone with my oldest child something happened that I did not expect. My children stopped fighting. Unkind words, pinching and shoving had reached an all time high in our home in January. I couldn't understand why the sibling relationship had disintegrated between them and it was making an unhappy, negative atmosphere. The children were angry with each other and I felt angry towards the children for their inability to stop fighting. It was far from the calm and gentle home environment I've been working towards for the past four years.
 
In Playful Parenting, Lawrence J. Cohen talks about attachment by using the metaphor of filling and refilling a cup. The caregiver is a reservoir for the child, the child will come back to refill their cup when they are feeling tired, hungry or lonely for example. A blanket and somewhere comfortable to lay, a snack or a reading a book together can help refill the child's cup. Sometimes though, the child might have a leaky cup, so getting that refill is even harder. Even when they get a little refill, it still isn't enough as it simply keeps on leaking. They will try and refill that cup any way they can, even through negative attention. With Miss K being in full time school and spending less time at home, her cup had been leaking and she had turned to arguing and fighting with Little L. She was trying to gain attention, even if it was negative, from me to refill her cup and trying to steal out of her sisters cup at the same time. She was trying to get a refill anyway she could. When siblings fight, the most common advice I hear is to simply ignore it,  which only makes a child with a leaky cup even more desperate for a refill.  

 

I didn't realise, until it happened, that what she really needed was my undivided attention to stop her cup from leaking and to get that long-lasting refill. Time together as a family wasn't enough, she needed me, alone. The warning signs were there showing me that something was wrong, which I had completely missed. I didn't know how to fix what was happening. Deep down, I knew that with a combination of full time school and the children having early nights so they were well rested, I simply wasn't spending enough time with Miss K, I was missing fully connecting with my oldest child. There didn't seem to be enough hours in the day.

 
When I started to fit special time with Miss K into our daily routine by staggering bedtimes four to five times each week, almost overnight, the fighting stopped. Miss K was kinder and more patient with her little sister. The girls started to get along with each other rather than fight against each other. Miss K's cup was full again and she didn't have to 'steal' from her sibling to get a refill or fight to gain the attention. She happily plays with her sister now before and after school for long periods of time, sometimes up to forty-five minutes or an hour, with barely any cross words between them. Her tone of voice is different when she speaks to her sister now, it is gentler, more understanding, more caring. I came to realise that if a child is deeply happy, that happiness seems to spill out into their everyday interactions with the people surrounding them. They are free to 'give away' their happiness by being kind to others as they know they're going to get a refill soon.

Creating a nature play kit.

 



When I'm out in nature with the children I like to look for natural play opportunities in our surroundings. How might the children be playful in the natural space they find themselves, even if it's only for an hour? I try to think how a child might like to play.

Visiting Wales a few days ago, we came upon a pure, clean bubbling stream which was an obvious water play opportunity. Its silty bank offered up sand play. Mix the two together and there was mud play! I like to keep a simple nature play kit close at hand to help the children really enjoy being outdoors and associate nature with an opportunity ripe for natural play. In our basic nature play kit we have:
Short handled fishing net
Easy for a child to hold.
Flexible bucket
Perfect for folding up into a pocket. They're great to use on nature walks to collect just about anything. For a younger child they're good for 'filling' and 'dumping' play outdoors. We like Scrunch Buckets.
Spade
Great for digging sand, soil, stones or mud.
Wide necked jam jar
Useful for filling up from the stream or sea and then looking to see what might be in the water. Or filling with water and making a simple posy of flowers with daisies or dandelions.
Little plastic boat
Tied with a long piece of string so it doesn't float off downstream.
Fold up kite
For those days when you find yourselves on the beach or on top of a hill and the wind is blowing.
Small watering can
Children love to fill and empty watering cans!
Complete change of clothing
With a change of clothes for each child there's no need to restrict how muddy or wet they get when they're playing.
Baby wipes
To clean muddy, sandy hands.
Towel
To dry off with. Or sit on.
Plastic shoes or welly boots
 To keep feet safe when wading in water.

I love to see Miss K and Little L being playful in nature!

Free play by the sea

Cei Bach Beach, West Wales

The children found a stream trickling from the cliff, meandering down the sand to the sea. The stream had braided, cutting away a large section of sand. They loved to jump over the water onto their own sand island and pick up handfuls of sand to build castles with their hands.

Really, sometimes the simplest play is the best play of all. 

Developing your child's inner resourcefullness

In the past it's been so easy and at times, tempting, to go through our days filling each pocket of time to keep the children busy just to get through to bedtime, to distract myself, or the children from the feeling of boredom. I've found that if I structure their time too much, when they suddenly find themselves with an empty hour they might not know how to fill it if they are used to a busy schedule with a parent guiding how their time is spent, steering them through their day, from one hour to the next. Let children be their own leaders, masters of their own time.It's an opportunity to develop their own inner resourcefullness, often sending them spinning into creativity. Time well spent I think.

Unstructured time

I wanted to share with you how I make sure that the children have plenty of unstructured time to help encourage independent play. Free time is at such a premium for us as Miss K is in full time school and Little L is in part time pre-school. They are still so young, I want to ensure I make room for the girls to just 'be' without the constraints of timetables or over-scheduling. Without the pressures of play dates and after-school clubs, the children are able to come home to what I hope is their sanctuary, that they can find peace and the freedom to play, read or simply rest:

 

"We all need empty hours in our lives or we will have no time to create or dream."    

Robert Coles

Contempory American Child pyschologist.     

dancing

 

I wanted to capture Little L twirling for you, it seems to be filled with so much joy.

How to organise your play space to encourage independent play

Straight after I cut out TV as a way of entertaining Miss K in her everyday life, I knew it would take a while for her to learn how to play while she was 'de-toxing' from the effects of daily TV. As a starting point for encouraging independent play for Miss K, I felt it was really important to make sure alternative activities were easily available to fill in the large gaps that TV had naturally left  so I could ease the transition. When she would have normally been watching TV, I made sure simple activities were within easy reach. 

I found it important to have a look at where things were placed in my home to make play easy and natural for her.  I don't think keeping the children's toys upstairs in their bedroom or a playroom helps with independent play. I personally feel it is a case of out of sight, out of mind. Children want to be close by to where the parent is most of the time, so it makes sense for me to keep all of the children's toys in the main living room area, where I spend most of my time. I keep a few, open ended natural toys on open shelving, at the child's height so it is at their eye level, very similar to the Waldorf classroom tradition. The toys are separated into simple, shallow, wicker baskets. We don't use toy bins or toy boxes. In my opinion, the traditionally styled toy boxes are just too difficult for young children to manage. The toys end up in chaos, with the child having to dump everything out in order to reach something at the very bottom.There is a little home corner, with the wooden play kitchen, play food, play frame, dolls crib, stroller, vintage till and three dolls. It sounds much more than it actually is. Simplicity is so important to me when it comes to children's play things. I am conscious of making sure I don't overwhelm a child with too many toys so they don't become so confused with what to play with that they end up not playing at all, or that there is so much 'stuff' that they pick something up only to put it down a few seconds later when something else catches their eye. Less toys offer the opportunity of a deeper level of play to a child. Less really is more.

I bought a child size table for their colouring, gluing and sticking. Something as simple as making sure that your child's things are at their level can make such a difference, so they are able to reach them themselves rather than having to come and ask a parent to get it, or ask for help to clamber up onto a large dining room table to be able to draw! If their art materials are shut away in a cupboard unseen, art isn't an easy option for a child to choose. It might not even occur to them as something they can 'do' right in that moment as they transistion from one activity to the next, as they flow through their day, as they can't see it right in front of them. Again, out of sight, out of mind. To make it easy for me to clear away the art materials at the end of the day, I make sure it is organised. I keep the paper in a shallow container so the girls can easily reach paper and I keep the pencils and crayons in two little separate containers. Simplicity and quality is important to me here, I don't bother cluttering up the house with cheap art materials that don't give great art results for the children. We exclusively use Lyra colouring pencils and Stockmar beeswax crayons as they are so rich and pure in colour. It was only recently that I bought some Crayola washable felt tip pens, I find that colouring with markers is a nice activity in itself so I tend to rotate them with the colouring pencils and crayons.Again, we don't have a large box full, just a pack suitable for Miss K with the super fine tips and a stubbier pack with broadline tips for Little L. The girls like the intense colour felt tip markers make on paper.

Really, I think where children's toys, books and art materials are actually kept in a home is only a little part of how to encourage independent play/activity in children. As a natural follow on from my series of posts about radically reducing TV, over the next few weeks I will be writing about different ways to encourage independent play!

How the gift of boredom can lead to creative play.

Yesterday morning reminded that single moments of boredom can create perfect opportunities for independent play for children.

After we came in from walking Miss K to school, Little L chose to stay close to me while I went to the kitchen to prepare the dinner for the evening. She pulled a foot stool up to the stove top so she could watch me stirring a cheese sauce, asking questions all the time about what I was doing. After the dinner was made, the dishes were washed and stacked neatly on the drainer, we went and settled down together for story time. She begged for Rapunzel from our fairy tale basket, she listened and asked questions as I turned the pages of this stunning version of the old Brothers Grimm tale.

After story time had finished and she had untangled herself from my lap, I said that I needed to vacuum. I vaguely wondered if she would get upset at my need to do a job as she had been quite close to me that morning, if she would need me to entertain her in some way. Instead, that little pocket of boredom gave her a golden opportunity for independent, self directed play. She asked me if I could set out her play frame in her home corner, which I unfolded while she went and got the basket of play silks to peg onto her little house. Then she was ready for play! I was able to go and vacuum, while she steadily played with her baby dolls in her house until lunch time. By embracing and joyfully accepting her need for closeness early on in the day without comment or question, left her free to create and explore her own world through independent play when she was ready to pull away from me.

This made me realise how important an open mindset can be when you are with young children, being prepared to be accepting of what a particular moment may bring to you as a mother and to attend to those needs with an open heart. When she was right next to me, 'under my feet' in the kitchen, I could have chosen to ignore her need for closeness and simply say 'Go and play' to make it easier for me to prepare the evening meal and then feel frustrated if she started to whine, cry or tantrum. I chose not to push her away at that moment by asking her to entertain herself before she was emotionally ready too. When I needed to get a job done later on that wouldn't have been easy for her to help me with, she was ready and happy to have that distance from me, that much needed breathing space. Alongside that breathing space, came a moment of boredom, a true gift to children. You never know where creatively it may lead.

This week

Bits and pieces from our week so far. Admiring the styling and photography in the mini Boden Spring 2012 catalogue that just dropped though our door. I especially like the way the light is captured on the front cover. Renewing Passports. Loving seeing the Haba Gummy Bears and Biscuits in a Tin being played with, oh so perfect for a pretend picnic. Last night baking a very British nursery pudding, a warm and comforting pear sponge served with custard. Little L declared she liked it, Miss K said she didn't. Walking to school this morning in the pouring rain. Catching up with laundry and making pizza dough.

How to cope with unwelcome plastic toy gifts in your home

(Little L carrying her basket of playsilks up the stairs)

Thank you so much for the beautiful, supportive comments on my last post. I realised when I was writing that it came across as a whole lot of over-thinking on such a simple subject of whether or not to have Lego in our home, but when habits become ingrained and you are so used to living a certain way change can be hard. But as children grow, their needs change and change becomes necessary.

Several of you asked the question, 'How do you cope with unwelcome toys/gifts?' What worked for our little family were several  frank discussions with close relatives about our family values and how we made the decision that we would like the children to play with natural toys and most importantly, why we had chosen this path. It wasn't just some passing fancy, it was the way we wanted to live and bring up our children.

I know gift-giving is an emotive and complex subject, with many differing view points. Some people would say that it is not the parents choice to tell the gift-giver what to give to their children. I personally think it is the parents choice to decide what is suitable for their child's play environment, so with communication being the key, both parties can be happy with a little parental guidence. We are particularly lucky to have very understanding close relatives who are happy for us to suggest gift ideas for birthdays and Christmas a few months before these special occasions. Here a few ideas of how to stay plastic-free:

: : In the first year or two of becoming plastic-free we used to have the Myriad catalogue on hand (a UK based Steiner influenced natural toy mail order company) so we could talk with relatives about different gift ideas. Obviously, natural toys can be expensive so we made it clear that quality was so much more important than quantity when it comes to toys. After all, simplicity is key in our family anyway, so this was actually an advantage for us as we didn't want the children to become overwhelmed with too many toys. If being a plastic-free family is what you strive for and is something new for your family, then leaving a natural toy catalogue around when relatives come visiting is a great conversation starter on your hopes and dreams for your family life and perfect for opening up the lines of communication about how you would like to shape your child's play environment.

: : We love to suggest the idea of gift experiences, is there a day out your child/children would love? For Little L's Birthday last year, my parents paid for a family day out to a farm for the four of us. You can also send photos of your visit with a thank you note, so they know how much fun your child/children had as a momento. 

: : Ask if relatives would be happy to contribute to one large, special present for your child. I remember one year, we asked all of the children's close relatives to contribute to a beautiful, wooden play kitchen and enamel pots and pans for the girls which was such an appreciated gift. It still gets played with everyday.

: :If your child has a birthday party and you are worried about the influx of plastic toys, or just toys in general, you could specify on the invitation 'No presents please, we would just love the gift of your company on ________ special day.' Or, on the invitation you could politely ask for gifts of crafting materials if your child enjoys making things. Another idea that seems quite popular, is asking the party guest to bring a gender neutral wrapped book with no gift label which gets placed in a large box when they arrive at the party. On the way out, along with their party bag they can choose a surprise wrapped book to take home so each child has a new book to enjoy.

Other people might say that relatives enjoy choosing gifts independently and do not want be 'told' what to give. While I can appreciate this, I  personally think that the person gifting the present should respect the wishes of the family they are giving it too so as not to waste time or money on something that is not wanted in the first place. It is only fair to let relatives know of your dreams for your families play space well in advance of your little ones special day. I know that sometimes there can be power struggles in familes, where a relative might think that they 'know' best what to give to your child. If, even after you have discussed things and your requests are being ignored, it might be the moment to get tough and say that the unwanted plastic toys will be donated to a charity where they can be sold for a good cause. It is very rare that I give a present to anybody, without asking first if there is something they need or would like for themselves or their children.

What I do know is that if you are unable to talk to relatives about gift-giving for whatever reason, it is not worth sacrificing family relationships for the sake of toys, there are ways and means of weeding out unwanted plastic toys in your home at a later date...

Being plastic-free and having Waldorf-inspired toys in your home is simpler when you are living with babies, toddlers and pre-schoolers and slightly older but when they start hitting the age of six onwards, it can get trickier trying to meet the needs of the child and the values of your family, but that is a whole other blog post.

*Please note, that this is simply how we have coped with un-wanted plastic toys in our own family and is what has worked for us in our home*