mamaUK

10 Mindful Minutes by Goldie Hawn

 

 

 

I've been meaning to read this book for a while now after my mother mentioned she had read an article about it and she thought I would like it. She was right! It is a remarkable book that can be used as a guide to help us raise healthy, happy children by using different techniques such as deep breathing and mindfulness in our everyday lives.

10 Mindful Minutes shocked me. From the little bits I had read about meditation I knew that deep breathing was beneficial to health and the mind and can be used as a way of reducing stress and anxiety, but I didn't realise quite how important taking those deep, calming, breaths was until I read this book.

There's lots of detailed research referenced in 10 Mindful Minutes about the impact stress and anxiety is having on children and their brains and what we can do as parents to help them cope with modern day living. We can help children from becoming overwhelmed, stressed and overstimulated by using simple techniques such a mindful breathing and thinking. We can make simple lifestyle changes such as reducing the amount of technology children use for the sake of their mental health and emotional fitness.

10 mindful minutes shows you how you can help teach your child empathy and gratitude, how to help a child deal with sadness and anger and the importance of kindness.

I have already told my children that if they have an upset in the playground to take three deep breaths to help calm themselves. It's only the smallest of baby steps, but it's a start to show them how they can take control of their own emotional state. I realise how important the quiet, calm time is in our home when they have finished their school day to rest their body and mind.

I'm sure I will return to this book time and time again, it seems so important to understand why adults and children react and behave the way we do and positive changes we can make for our emotional health and happiness.

It's among my staple reads now, sitting along side Simplicity Parenting, Hold on to your Kids, Mitten strings for God and Buddhism for Mothers. I wrote about Buddhism for Mothers here.

 

Tiny house living

(Daisies outside our front door in our current rental home)

We're in the process of buying a tiny cottage! It's a small, three bedroom mid-terrace townhouse which was built around 1900, arranged over three floors with a courtyard garden. The cottage is 558 sq ft. Europeans are accustomed to living in smaller homes on average of about 1,000 sq ft, so this is small, even by European standards. We're a family of four, two adults and two school age children.

I've always been in love with the idea of tiny house living in terms of simplicity~simplicity is needed to live comfortably and well in a small space. Maybe this is why I have been steadily decluttering and organising our current rental property over the years, subconsciously moving towards this point of buying a tiny home.

For the first two years of Miss K's life, we lived in a little town house but then decided we 'had' to move when I became pregnant with Little L. I always missed that little house, how cosy it was, especially in autumn and winter time.

Bliss before bedtime, making time to connect with your older child.

 

 When people think of attachment parenting, thoughts tend to immediately spring to the early years of a child's life, where practices like co-sleeping and babywearing can help meet a young child's physical and emotional needs for closeness to their parents. Attachments formed with your children at birth need to be kept and maintained across the years, spanning their childhood and beyond as they reach adolescence. Their day to day world is becoming ever larger and more confusing as they move through the years at school, like hopping from one stepping stone to the next, each one a little trickier to reach. They are trying to negotiate relationships on a daily basis, as they move in and out of friendship groups and need to interact with adults surrounding them. They have joys that they want to celebrate and hurts that they need to work through. It's now, more than ever, that they need that closeness, care and connection to a parent. 

 Having two children, I've found that the best way to give a child the connection they need is by spending time alone with each child so they can feel special and noticed. While quality time as a whole family is valuable in its own right, it is the one on one time that will really strengthen your relationship with each individual child. It is their time, to open up, to be heard, to feel connected and close without the interruptions of a sibling. They can relax, they don't need to fight to be noticed or talk louder to be heard. They have your full and undivided attention.

 Over the recent weeks, I've found staggering bedtimes invaluable to help me to find that time to spend alone with my oldest daughter, Miss K. After Little L is tucked up in bed with her lights out, I go into Miss K's room and sit in her cosy bed with her. We pull the quilts over us, and decide what we are going to do together. We've been going through a phase of paper play lately. We might play noughts and crosses, or an ABC game that I used to play when I was a child camping. I remember us all lying in our sleeping bags as the darkness settled around us and my parents would start an ABC game and we would all take in turns to think of, say, an animal which starts with each letter of the alphabet. Miss K likes to write the ABC down to read through afterwards. She might ask for an impromptu spelling B, she giggles and laces her fingers through mine as the words get more challenging. We might play a drawing game, while one of us draws an object, the other has to guess what it is as quickly as possible before the drawing is finished to gain a point. I usually spend about thirty minutes in her bedroom with her. A little while before it is time for her to settle off to sleep, she turns out the lights and lies down next to me and tells me about her day, what she did in class, where she sat at lunch, who she played with and if she had any difficulties. Simplicity Parenting talks about a child 'unpacking their day', like lifting clothes from a suitcase, so a child is able to drift off into an easy sleep. That's bliss before bedtime for me, knowing that, even though it's the end of the day and I'm tired, we have connected. She feels good, relaxed and happy and so do I. 

Minimalising

(Summer's arrived)

For the past couple of weeks I've been overhauling our home again for the sake of simplicity. This simplicity journey is strange for me, the need to purge stuff from of our home seems to have come in fits and bursts over the past two years, perhaps longer. I've always been heading in the same direction though, towards less.  I feel like I'm on the final straight, in touching distant of having only things which are truly used and needed in our home. In the thick of it, decluttering can be all consuming, constantly assessing objects as I walk into different rooms, pulling open cupboards and drawers. I'm going through, quite literally, each and every object and stripping away more and more. A lot of stuff is going. Our home is becoming minimalist and with every object which goes out of the door, I can feel a lightening and a sense of order and calmness.  I can't wait to start organising (the few) things we have left and making new pretty spaces. Wish me luck!

Structured activity and meaningful work for the school age child.

During the holidays, sometimes it's hard finding the right daily rhythm for an older child, especially when they're used to the structure of a school day and they watch minimal TV in the home. I've come to learn that Miss K definitely missed the structured time that school brings. As well as plenty of time for free, independent play, I found she really needed some 'structured' time too. We found ourselves calling this 'table time' for Miss K. She likes to be set up with worksheet at the level she is working at in school and for me to sit down so we can read it together and figure out what she needs to do to complete it. She liked me to 'mark' her work afterwards and go through it with her. Or she would like me to set up a pre-planned making activity for her to do.
 
Little L would happily play around her while her older sister got on with her 'work'. They were both content. I actually think the separation helped them play joyfully together later on in the day when they came back together again after that period of separation.
 
It reminded me that before a holiday I should take a look at the ages and stages of both my children to see how the time out from school can suit both their needs so I can plan our time together. I need to prepare some activities ahead of time. At age four, I know Little L needs plenty of opportunity for free play, whereas Miss K likes a combination of free, independent play, structured activities and plenty of time for reading as she is a real bookworm. Not forgetting, of course, plenty of outdoor time. Structuring activity for children is a hard balancing act though, as I don't want to structure so much that she becomes reliant on adults for figuring out how she spends her time. I found that suggesting an activity for her first thing in the morning and one later on in the afternoon was a good balance for us. It was a great way to spend time with her independently of her sister, which really seemed to fill her 'love cup'. She might do a creative activity at the table in the morning and then figure out either a Maths or English based work sheet late afternoon when there was some need for quiet.

 

Nichole flagged up this beautiful article about meaningful work for toddlers.I think the older child enjoys being involved in jobs to nurture the home too. Miss K loves to do purposeful work, especially during holidays when time is plentiful. When we were digging the garden together ready for planting vegetables, she said how much she loved to 'work'. She was using a full sized fork to dig over the soil, I could see she felt like she was being really helpful in completing a real life task. Meaningful work is so empowering for children. When she helped me with laundry, she would throw so much energy into the task, she would get excited to collect the right colours and get them into the washing machine, wanting to know which buttons to press to switch it on. During the Spring break from school I've learnt she wants to be busy, involved and part of the home making to help nurture our family life.

Finding calm - meditating in nature

Since reading Buddhism For Mothers, I've been interested in the idea of meditation as a way to bring an increased sense of clarity, calm and happiness to my life and how that can affect the way I parent my children. With the little bit of reading I had done about meditation, about setting up meditation spaces, mindfullness of breath and certain words to focus on, I felt too intimidated by the whole formal practise of meditation to even attempt it. 

This week though I seemed to experience a form of meditation almost by accident, it was completely unforced and natural. I found myself meditating in nature. The warm weather had drawn me outside to my favourite spot in the garden. It's a little wild area where flowers grow higgledy-piggledy with a little old brick path running beneath the large apple tree. I went to sit up there to see the tulips as I had noticed they were all in bloom, but almost hidden at the top of our garden. I sat on the path for a while and felt the warmth of the sun, all the time admiring the tulips glowing red as they tilted their heads towards the sunshine. By simply noticing the beauty in that moment, really noticing how the tulips looked, their intense colour, their soft, firm petals and all the while hearing the sounds of the garden, the insects moving around, birdsong, a lawn mower humming in the distance somewhere far off, I felt myself re-centre and and feel a deep sense of gratitude. As I was paying full attention to the present moment I began breathing deeper as I experienced nature surrounding me. I felt thankfulness for seeing the true beauty in spring time. The tulips in bloom may only be short lived, but their impermanence make their beauty only that much sweeter.  

Even though I found that 'still' for a short while, maybe just fifteen or twenty minutes, I felt positive, calm and happy. I'm sure it flowed into how I mothered my children for the rest of that day, with extra patience and attention.

Choosing to opt out of large, whole class birthday parties

I decided to choose low-key, simple and gentle family-centred birthday parties three years ago when Miss K first started school in her Reception class. I knew I would be going against the trend for whole class parties but I didn't want to do something just because everyone else was. I chose to opt out of blow-out birthdays! I am actually a very shy person so I knew organising a large party would cause a lot of anxiety and stress for me which I did not want each time one of my children's birthdays rolled around.

I grew up with simple birthday parties and I knew that is where my heart truly lay. I still remember when I was very young going for a walk on the Malvern Hills to celebrate my birthday. I remember the sun was shining, it was warm and after climbing up a steep hill and sitting down on a little wooden bench my mother got out a birthday cake from a cardboard box she had carried all the way up the hill for my twin sister and me. I remember her struggling to light the candles because of a light, warm breeze.

I wanted to build tradition and ritual into a child's birthday and embrace the simplicity of it all. Something my children could count on and look forward to to celebrate their special day. Ahead of time I always ask them to choose their perfect birthday cake so I know in advance what shape cake I need to bake and what flavour icing they would like me to put on the cake. This year Little L has requested a chocolate button cake. I ask them if there is anything in particular they would like to unwrap on their birthday. Little L has asked for a fairy dress with wings. I love to plan a birthday day out. When Miss K was four years old, we took her on a steam train and when we stopped she had an icecream which she still remembers now. When she was five, we took her for a surprise morning of horse riding as she has never ridden a horse before. Now she's older, she likes to choose her own birthday outing. Last year she begged us to take her on a camping trip, which, of course, we did. This will be the first year Little L chooses her own birthday day out. Another special ritual the girls have fallen in love with, is having a birthday poem the night before, as they rise in the morning and when they blow their candles out. It's their birthday magic. Sometimes I see Miss K's eyes shining with tears as she hears 'For the night before a birthday' poem.

Things might change as they get older, they might want a special friend over for a birthday sleep over. But for now it's simple, it's a good enough birthday. This is 'us', how our family celebrates birthdays. It might not be a big blow out birthday party, but there's candles, cake and presents, there's warmth and so much love. 

Developing your child's inner resourcefullness

In the past it's been so easy and at times, tempting, to go through our days filling each pocket of time to keep the children busy just to get through to bedtime, to distract myself, or the children from the feeling of boredom. I've found that if I structure their time too much, when they suddenly find themselves with an empty hour they might not know how to fill it if they are used to a busy schedule with a parent guiding how their time is spent, steering them through their day, from one hour to the next. Let children be their own leaders, masters of their own time.It's an opportunity to develop their own inner resourcefullness, often sending them spinning into creativity. Time well spent I think.

Unstructured time

I wanted to share with you how I make sure that the children have plenty of unstructured time to help encourage independent play. Free time is at such a premium for us as Miss K is in full time school and Little L is in part time pre-school. They are still so young, I want to ensure I make room for the girls to just 'be' without the constraints of timetables or over-scheduling. Without the pressures of play dates and after-school clubs, the children are able to come home to what I hope is their sanctuary, that they can find peace and the freedom to play, read or simply rest:

 

"We all need empty hours in our lives or we will have no time to create or dream."    

Robert Coles

Contempory American Child pyschologist.     

How to organise your play space to encourage independent play

Straight after I cut out TV as a way of entertaining Miss K in her everyday life, I knew it would take a while for her to learn how to play while she was 'de-toxing' from the effects of daily TV. As a starting point for encouraging independent play for Miss K, I felt it was really important to make sure alternative activities were easily available to fill in the large gaps that TV had naturally left  so I could ease the transition. When she would have normally been watching TV, I made sure simple activities were within easy reach. 

I found it important to have a look at where things were placed in my home to make play easy and natural for her.  I don't think keeping the children's toys upstairs in their bedroom or a playroom helps with independent play. I personally feel it is a case of out of sight, out of mind. Children want to be close by to where the parent is most of the time, so it makes sense for me to keep all of the children's toys in the main living room area, where I spend most of my time. I keep a few, open ended natural toys on open shelving, at the child's height so it is at their eye level, very similar to the Waldorf classroom tradition. The toys are separated into simple, shallow, wicker baskets. We don't use toy bins or toy boxes. In my opinion, the traditionally styled toy boxes are just too difficult for young children to manage. The toys end up in chaos, with the child having to dump everything out in order to reach something at the very bottom.There is a little home corner, with the wooden play kitchen, play food, play frame, dolls crib, stroller, vintage till and three dolls. It sounds much more than it actually is. Simplicity is so important to me when it comes to children's play things. I am conscious of making sure I don't overwhelm a child with too many toys so they don't become so confused with what to play with that they end up not playing at all, or that there is so much 'stuff' that they pick something up only to put it down a few seconds later when something else catches their eye. Less toys offer the opportunity of a deeper level of play to a child. Less really is more.

I bought a child size table for their colouring, gluing and sticking. Something as simple as making sure that your child's things are at their level can make such a difference, so they are able to reach them themselves rather than having to come and ask a parent to get it, or ask for help to clamber up onto a large dining room table to be able to draw! If their art materials are shut away in a cupboard unseen, art isn't an easy option for a child to choose. It might not even occur to them as something they can 'do' right in that moment as they transistion from one activity to the next, as they flow through their day, as they can't see it right in front of them. Again, out of sight, out of mind. To make it easy for me to clear away the art materials at the end of the day, I make sure it is organised. I keep the paper in a shallow container so the girls can easily reach paper and I keep the pencils and crayons in two little separate containers. Simplicity and quality is important to me here, I don't bother cluttering up the house with cheap art materials that don't give great art results for the children. We exclusively use Lyra colouring pencils and Stockmar beeswax crayons as they are so rich and pure in colour. It was only recently that I bought some Crayola washable felt tip pens, I find that colouring with markers is a nice activity in itself so I tend to rotate them with the colouring pencils and crayons.Again, we don't have a large box full, just a pack suitable for Miss K with the super fine tips and a stubbier pack with broadline tips for Little L. The girls like the intense colour felt tip markers make on paper.

Really, I think where children's toys, books and art materials are actually kept in a home is only a little part of how to encourage independent play/activity in children. As a natural follow on from my series of posts about radically reducing TV, over the next few weeks I will be writing about different ways to encourage independent play!